255.2 - The balancing act.

Her only true balancing skill, she eats salad
with fatty dressing and has lite desserts

Being heavy sucks, sometimes it sucks so much that the effort to commit to losing weight sucks less. It's one of the precarious balancing acts that are part of the fitness journey. You constantly fight small battles between who you are and who you want to be. Sometimes the two sides can come to a tenuous peace agreement, but, like some regions, peace agreements seemingly arrive with expiration dates. Battle commences in the fighting season, and the balance is thrown into whack. I've been negotiating for some time, and I've gotten better at it, but there is more to be done.

My two urges fall into the realms of indulgence and vanity. I want to enjoy a variety of sugars. I could say confections or pastries, but I'm always honest with you so why pretend. I love sugar. I love it in crepes, in chocolate, in ice-cream, cookies, cakes. I love it cold, I love it warm. I love sugar. Left to my indulgent desires, I would eat sugar in all it's incarnations with every meal. Sure, I'd get some grease and salt in there, for balance, but my heart will always desire sugar. To it's detriment because I don't want to be diabetic. Understand, I don't mean "I have health concerns with contracting diabetes". No, I don't want to be a diabetic. I don't want to join that club. I don't want that as part of my self definition. Runner? Sure. Blogger? I'd like to think so. Dancer? Certainly. Diabetic? No,  I don't like that one. I don't want it. So I'll work to avoid it.

I don't want to be the "chubby" guy either. I don't want to be the joke and the punchline by appearance. I don't want to have "sympathy dates" or "casual connections" or other people who don't take me seriously because of my appearance. I want attention. Positive attention and re-enforcement. I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes you balance good and bad, but sometimes you can indulge your human weaknesses for the motivation for positive changes. You are a composite of all your parts and the ones you starve are the ones that cry loudest to be fed. So feed your inspiration for improvement, and feed vanity for attention, and tame your greed by supplying it with a new diet of healthy alternatives. Take your rage to the gym. Work out your envy on the stairs. Balance yourself, and take off in your chosen direction.